Alex Gaskarth is My Cousin
by al-fearless13
Summary: Alex Gaskarth has a cousin, Rae Gaskarth. Find out what happens when Rae goes to spend the summer with Alex and the rest of All Time Low. Rian Dawson, Jack Barakat, Zack Merrick.
1. Chapter 1

Family Force 5 was blasting out of my headphones on the plane, so loud that I was sure the people next to me were annoyed. I was using it to keep my nerves calm; I have serious issues with my epinephrine (that is, adrenaline). It's, as my best friend Phoebe says, 'jacked'.

I was going to live with my cousin, Alex Gaskarth.

Yes. That Alex Gaskarth. All Time Low and Dear Maria and 'I'm not fucking sharing!' and all that. He's my cousin. So then, you ask, who am I? My name's Rae, and his dad is my dad's brother. So my last name is Gaskarth, too.

Rae and Alex Gaskarth. It's frustrating sometimes, because sometimes people either think I'm kidding, or I'm a huge fan and I tacked his name onto mine, or that I'm just plain mentally messed up. I'm not. That really is my name, people. I like when people don't know who they are and don't even question it. They just ask me how to pronounce it. And I say, 'just like it sounds.' Gas-karth.

My friends at school think it's the coolest thing ever, and I've actually been asked for autographs on multiple occasions, and I just walk away. It's not my place. It's theirs.

The main reason I'm so excited is because I get to see Alex's hot friends; Rian Dawson, Jack Barakat, and Zack Merrick.

Rian is super sweet, short, and I can't wait for him to get married to his long-time girlfriend, Kara Diakolous. Rian's the one I go to with my problems. He gives me the best advice, and he'll pick up the phone whatever time of day it was. Rian also happens to be the best hugger in the whole entire world. God, I love that kid.

Jack Barakat. Hmm. Jack is Alex's best friend. I met him when I was in fifth grade and Alex was in seventh. Alex's family came to visit mine in Tennessee and Jack came with them. That's how inseparable they were (and still very much are). He's goofy, inappropriate, and loves to talk about sex and drinking, but you can't help but love him. He may act stupid, but he's got a good heart and can be very sweet when he wants to be. To us, he's part of the family, so it's in the rules that I've gotta love him to death.

Zack Merrick – oh my god, who died and made him the next poster child for hot bodies? He is so sexy that I want to melt whenever I'm around him. He's funny, but he also likes to be alone and is quiet in a crowd. I think he's self-conscious, but he looks great. There's just something about him that I can't figure out.

But Alex… not gonna lie, even though he's my cousin, I think he's gorgeous. Not like I would date him (that would be gross), but just because he's Alex. You know? He was the brown-haired, dark-eyed little kid that played with fake guitars and had rock star dreams. And now those dreams, the dreams of so many people, are his reality. He knows it's great, but I feel like sometimes he doesn't appreciate it, doesn't remember all the hard work that he and the guys had to do to get where they are. At times he can be full of himself, but I know deep down he loves what he does, no matter how much he complains.

I'll never forget when he got his first paycheck for playing. It was eight dollars, but whatever. And I _know_ I'll never forget when he called me after the first time they'd been chased by the paparazzi – he was so shocked that he thought they thought that they were chasing The Maine or somebody else, surely not him.

But sometimes when people talk about him, I still picture the little kid running around with me at the beach, just a kid, not some music icon. The one I'd play in the sandbox with in one of our backyards, or the one I was dragged along with when our moms went shopping, and we'd come up with games to entertain us on the hours of stores and clothes and money. That was Alex to me, not like those girls who are like, "_The_ Alex Gaskarth? He's your _cousin_? That's so cool! Can you get him to ask me out?" It drives me freaking insane.

At least they listen to good music.

When the plane landed, I grabbed my bag and proceeded to wait about twenty minutes before we were allowed to get off the plane. I love the feeling of the plane landing, the way you're always a little nervous that you're going to crash, to hit the ground and catch on fire, for something near you to explode.

Walking out of the gate, I wandered onto the stairs and up to the next floor. I was told that my Aunt, Tanya, Alex's mom, would be picking me up and taking her to the house where she and Alex lived. Alex's dad left the family when Alex was nine. A few months later, Alex's older brother, Daniel, killed himself. I was seven at the time, and I was just told that Daniel died and that Alex's dad moved away for work. I didn't know that the kind of work he was doing consisted of getting together with Alex's mom's ex-best friend.

I looked and looked, but Aunt Tanya was nowhere to be found. My eyes glazed over people in uniforms, people in business suits, a girl about thirteen looking for someone, some people that looked suspiciously like the Jonas Brothers, and a group of teenage boys walking towards me. I kept looking for Tanya, but I couldn't see her anywhere. I decided to move to the left to see if I could get a better look, so I started walking.

"Rae," a voice called, and I looked over. The group of teenage boys was standing about where I'd just been. "Are you blind?"

"Surprise!" they chorused, and I gasped, running straight into my cousin Alex's arms.

"Hey," he laughed, holding me close. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too." I broke out of his arms. "All of you," I said, throwing my arms around Rian, who hugged me tightly as well. Jack grinned at me with those chocolatey brown eyes that made me smile back, and I went to him next; his arms were already open for me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned on his chest as he rubbed my back a little. I yawned.

"Tired?" Alex asked, and I nodded my response.

But I hadn't hugged Zack yet; I was saving him for last because I loved the feeling of his strong arms holding onto me. So I moved into him, and, as I expected, he felt almost like he was protecting me. It was awesome.

When we'd talked a little about my trip and all that, we walked to get my bags from the baggage claim. I took my stuff when Zack grabbed one suitcase out of my hand, and before I knew it, Jack had the other, both of them staring at the other. Rian looked from one to the next and chuckled a bit.

I could already tell that this was going to be quite an interesting trip.


	2. Chapter 2

California was very different from Tennessee. I could tell that right off the bat; there were no country stores with t-shirts bearing profane slogans about girls, beer, hunting, fishing, or any combination of the above. No pancake houses where al l of the waitresses called you by your first name. Nowhere to run around laughing in the streets, no small towns, and no southern hospitality. Maybe LA was a bad place to judge the entire state of California on, with the brisk lifestyle and slight uptightness of the people there.

It was loud and crazy, filled with horns honking and people yelling at each other. The whole city was packed, people everywhere. Rich people in fancy clothes, college-age artists talking on a park bench with expensive cameras and casual clothes, and little kids with their parents, running around like they were in a candy store occupied the streets, making me stare intently out the window whenever my family took me anywhere. I'd been to visit Alex in England a few times, which was cool, but it was nothing like this. We passed vendors and musicians and too many things to count.

And yet somehow, I managed to fall asleep in the car.

Jack was driving, arguing with Alex, who was seated in the passenger seat he'd practically had to fight Rian for, over music.

I sighed to myself – the famous Jack and Alex bickering had already begun – and Rian heard. He smiled at me as I laid my head back on the seat. I was exhausted from the flight, even though it had only been a little bit over four hours.

I closed my eyes and listened to the guys fight; for some reason, this comforted me. It was just like I wanted it to be, my cousin and his best friends that (other than Jack) I'd only met once, all of us close already again.

I let myself start down the long staircase in my head that led to my happy place, trying to forget home and all the problems that surrounded me there.

I was out before I got halfway down the stairs.

***

Alex's house was almost an hour from the airport, so I had just enough time to get into a sleep deep enough to make me annoyed to be woken up.

I opened my eyes to find, embarrassingly enough, my head on Rian's shoulder as he gently shook me awake. "Hey, Rae… wake up. We're home."

I glanced tiredly at him, barely lifting my head, and then burrowed deeper into him.

"Rae," he said, almost laughing. "No. Get up."

"Rae, come on. You can go back to sleep when we get inside, I swear," Alex said, and I felt cooler as his shadow landed on my face.

"No," I moaned, refusing to open my eyes.

"Rae, come on," Alex said. "We're not gonna leave you here."

"I'll get her," someone said, and I recognized Zack's voice.

"No, you don't have to," Alex said. "She's a big girl; she can get up by herself."

I shook my head, letting the drifts of unconsciousness take me under bit by bit. The only thing keeping me awake was the talking.

"Rae," Alex said again.

"Shut up," I said sleepily, and Rian laughed.

"Ooh, feisty."

"You shut up, too," I added, my voice fading to nothing at the end, and I could feel the words running together. I was too exhausted for this. I didn't care if they left me in the car, as long as they'd leave me alone so I could sleep.

I felt hands pulling me off Rian and lifting me up, steadily carrying me. I snuggled into this warm person and finally allowed myself to dream again.

***

When I woke the next time, it was because I'd slept myself out. Sunlight was filtering through the curtains and streaming into the room, and I had the feeling I'd been asleep for a very long time. My joints didn't want to work, and I was drenched in cold sweat.

I lay in bed for over twenty minutes, my mind floating over various things, mostly living through the horrors of what had happened to me in the past, but my stomach growled suddenly, pulling me back into the present.

I looked down at my wrists, the scars I'd covered them with contrasted deeply with my skin, the deep red so dark. To me, each scar told a story of exactly what I'd been through; I could tell you which cuts were from what, because I'd had so many that I could tell, for the most part, how long they'd been there.

I sighed, getting up and kneeling by my bag to pick out one of the multiple long-sleeved shirts I'd packed – I wasn't risking these boys finding out anything; they were my family now. It was January now, so it wasn't like I didn't have a good reason.

I went downstairs to the kitchen. The aroma of chicken fingers and macaroni and cheese was strong, almost overwhelming. I had to compose myself before going through the doorway, because it had been so long since I'd had a family to make me food. I pulled my hair up into a classic Rae-bun, took one last deep breath, and walked into the kitchen.

"She's up!" Alex announced, though everyone could obviously already see me. Aunt Tanya jumped up and ran over to wrap me up in a huge hug.

"Rae! Sweetie! How are you? Is everything okay? My, you're so thin!"

I laughed at her already crazy stream of questions, but not without glowing at the compliment. Tanya was one of the nicest people I'd ever met in my entire life, and she made the biggest effort to make everyone feel completely comfortable and at home, which, with her, I already did.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied out of habit – I was a Southern girl, and 'sir' or 'ma'am' is tacked onto absolutely everything we say.

"Rae, 'yes' is fine. How many years have I told you that?" she asked kindly. Turning to the boys she added, "And 'ma'am' makes me feel old."

Alex laughed.

"You're hot, Mrs. Gaskarth," Jack yelled, and everyone cracked up. We all knew Jack had a weird obsession with Alex's mom. She loved it.

"Thank you, Jack," she smiled, winking at him.

He swooned openly, and that just made us all laugh harder.

"Mom, the oven's smoking," Alex commented casually.

She turned around worriedly, but he was only kidding. She came over and whacked him with a dish towel, setting the largest pot of macaroni and cheese on the table that I've ever seen. The guys dug in, fighting over who got the spoon first.

I just waited my turn, but it got ugly, as I was sitting between Alex and Jack. Soon, though, both of them were content, eating happily. I took a small spoonful and poked at it a bit, wondering how she would react to whatever excuse I made for not eating. I'd just tell her I was still tired from the plane.

When the chicken fingers came, I didn't even take one. I was too scared that I'd snap and eat it. Alex looked at me, confused, as I didn't immediately reach for one of the steaming pieces. Tanya's chicken was delicious. My mouth watered at the smell, but I shook my head. "I'm not really hungry," I said. He stared at me, waiting. I sighed, smiling. "Yes, you can have mine."

"Yes!"

When everyone finished, we started clearing the dishes. "It was great, Tanya," I said, smiling. And it was true – the few noodles of macaroni that I'd eaten were fantastic.

Alex scoffed.

_Don't say anything, Alex, please don't say anything…_

Like you would know," he said. He turned to his mom. "She didn't even eat anything."

"I had macaroni," I said defensively, glaring at Alex. He shrank under my watch, something that surprised me. They say anorexics are mean, but that kind of hurt me.

Tanya looked at me, concerned. "Weren't you hungry?" she asked.

"Not really," I said. "Still kinda tired."

She nodded. "Maybe later then? Tell me if you want anything, okay?"

I nodded. What she didn't know was that I was starving right then.


	3. Chapter 3

My stomach grumbled as we sat around the fire in Alex's back yard the next day. It was late Sunday night after dinner, just me, him, and Aunt Tanya outside, as the other guys had homework and stuff to do, even though the school year was coming to a close. Make-up work to finish. Finals to study for. Like Alex gave a damn. He just wanted to get back on tour and cut class to practice for it.

Alex looked at me sideways, an unreadable expression on his face. I wasn't worried about him figuring me out; I was pretty sure he didn't think anorexia actually was a real thing. He was probably convinced that I was just weird, which he already knew.

We were doing s'mores, but chocolate and marshmallows weren't on the list of safe foods. Instead of filling myself with sugar, I slid a graham cracker out of the box and munched on a corner of it, letting it crunch in my mouth. The honey taste was too sweet, so I added another fifteen calories to my guess of how many calories were in just one.

Aunt Tanya was watching me intently, the look in her eyes clearly showed her alarm.

But still I continued to eat slowly; it takes your body twenty minutes to feel full, so slow is better.

The only noise was the fire crackling and me chewing the graham cracker as they stared at me. But, finally, the silence was too much for Alex. "Okay. Rae, what's going on with you? You're so different. I mean, seriously. You're quiet and you don't laugh and you don't really even smile… Are you okay? What happened?" He was honestly concerned, and it hurt me that I'd let him down, the same thing I'd done to everyone else I knew. The image is just too hard to portray when you can't feel anything at all. It's a scary feeling, and you easily get wrapped up in it.

I looked at Aunt Tanya, asking her with my eyes to cover for me, but she too was waiting for an answer.

I looked back at Alex and then into the fire. There were a few seconds silence as I decided exactly what I wanted to say before I spoke. "Nothing," I said carefully. "I'm fine."

I turned my head away from them, letting my hair fall to be a curtain over my eyes as my bottom lip quivered. My hands shook as I raised them to my mouth to try and suppress the sobs I felt coming. And then suddenly, there was the noise of gravel and pine straw crunching under feet and I felt arms wrapping around me. At first I thought it was Aunt Tanya, since she knew what I'd been through, but then I breathed in and I smelled that it was Alex. He was wearing the same cologne that he had since he was fourteen.

I looked up into his concerned eyes and saw that he actually looked… scared. He sat down on his heels in front of me and just stared. "Are you okay?" he asked. My lip trembled again, and I was back in his arms, the hug stronger this time. For the first time in a long time, I let myself cry. I clung to Alex's jacket and leaned on his shoulder and just cried and cried and cried.

I was embarrassed the entire time, because I couldn't stop. But I needed to get everything out before I could say anything else and break down again.

He gently pulled me to the ground with him so he could hold me better, and I went limp as he changed his grip to be more comfortable for him and I let my head rest on his chest as I sobbed.

More crunching footsteps passed, and I realized that it was, in fact, Aunt Tanya that time. But she wasn't coming to tell me to be quiet or to pull me off of Alex. Instead, she was leaving. So I could be alone with my cousin and have some privacy as I cried and he comforted me.

I appreciated that, because I hated knowing that her heart was breaking for me, and I didn't deserve that.

So Alex and I stayed on the ground as the fire grew dim and my tears slowed, me staring into the fire, lost in thoughts about home, and him staring down at me, wondering what on earth could have caused this breakdown.

As the final flames flickered out and the last trails of smoke were floating overhead, he said, so quietly that it was almost a whisper, "You know we love you, Rae, right?"

I nodded.

"I don't feel like you do," he said, looking down at me. I hated when people talked to me like this. It was like they thought I was going to kill myself right there in front of them.

I sat up a bit and got a head rush. I shut my eyes and grabbed his wrist. He tensed immediately and put a hand on my knee. When I opened my eyes, he looked even more worried than before. My stomach growled again, and he just stared at me. I shook my head slightly, but he reached over to the chocolate that was laying on the ground in a plastic bag from Publix.

He broke a piece off and handed it to me. I looked at it. "I'm not – "

"Don't give me that," he said sternly. "You can lie to whoever else you want, but you can't lie to me, Rae. I talked about it with the guys and we think you're not eating enough. You're not eating at all."

I started to argue, but he cut me off. "No, you're not, Rae, and you know it. You're not, and you're proud of it."

I hung my head, and he nodded. "I knew it," he murmured. Then to me, he said, "Why are you doing it?"

I shook my head. "I don't even know. It started as a stress thing, but now…"

"It's more," he finished for me. "Rae, this is serious. I'm asking you to eat one piece of chocolate and you won't do it."

"It's chocolate," I said softly. "Chocolate's not…" _Safe_, I thought. But I couldn't say that out loud. Not to Alex.

"Look," he said, gentler now, seeming to almost be pleading with me. "How about if I eat one and then you eat one. We'll do it together. Okay?"

I glanced at him and then nodded. "Okay."

"Alright."

He broke a piece off the bar and put it in his mouth. I winced as he chewed it; I was so far gone that I couldn't even watch him eat? This was disgusting.

He swallowed. "Your turn," he said.

I looked down at the piece of chocolate he had handed me, my fingers melting little circles into the cold brick. I put it up to my lips and bit off a corner. I chewed it a little, my eyes shut.

It was delicious – too delicious. If I swallowed this, I'd never be able to stop. I opened my eyes and looked at Alex. He looked worried.

"Don't cry," he said. "Rae, don't. We can stop."

I hadn't known I was crying, but I didn't mind. I'd gotten him to stop, hadn't I?

I nodded, spitting the piece of chocolate into the woods behind us, and we stood up.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have –"

"No, it's okay. Just… please don't tell anyone. I'm handling it, Alex. Really, I am," I added as he looked at me, obviously not buying it.

"What did I say about not lying to me?" he asked, and I sighed.

We didn't talk as we walked toward the house, and then we went inside, him going to his room and me to mine.

We didn't speak for the rest of the night. Neither of us even said goodnight.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, Aunt Tanya woke me up. My head was pounding, a typical anorexia thing. It was ridiculous how light-headed I was when I stood up. It was so impossible to get the black spots out of my vision for at least thirty seconds that I had to stop walking and put my hand on the wall to steady myself.

When I went downstairs, there was a plate of eggs sitting at my spot at the table, and I stopped in the doorway, staring. Aunt Tanya looked up from her coffee, but Alex kept staring at his eggs, almost as if he had been avoiding me. Despite Tanya's warm smile, I couldn't help but feel the cold, uncomfortable tension that filled the entire room.

Alex didn't even glance at me.

I stood there for what seemed like forever but was maybe only about fifteen seconds. My feet were frozen to the spot until a thought crossed my mind. Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all. Maybe I shouldn't have come here after all.

Maybe I should just go home.

The feeling was overwhelming as I turned around and went upstairs, determined to get out of the house. I heard footsteps behind me, and I broke into a run, up the stairs to my room, slamming the door and locking it behind me. I put a hand to my forehead to attempt to stop the dizziness, but instead I decided to just ignore it. My stomach growled and I smiled in approval.

It was the anthem of the starving.

It wasn't typical behavior for me, but I couldn't help it. Before, no one had cared. All I really wanted was someone to hold me and tell me that it was going to be okay. But here, nothing was the same. Alex had sensed what I wanted and given it to me the second he figured me out, but with Tanya it was different. She was hyper-sensitive to problems and emotions, so why wasn't she leaving me alone about the food thing? She'd left me alone about everything else.

Alex had tried to help, but it was in a sweet way. Had Aunt Tanya just assumed that I would eat? Maybe she wanted me to break down, or maybe she was trying force me to break down in front of her again so she could do things differently than Alex had the night before.

"Honey…" Tanya was outside my door, knocking lightly. "Sweetie, come out here. I want to talk to you."

I didn't reply. I was too busy stuffing all of my belongings back into their bags.

"Rae."

I grabbed my cell phone off the nightstand and quickly texted Alex.

'help' I wrote.

'no'

I looked down at the screen, shocked. I came to his rescue and he came to mine. It was an unspoken agreement between the two of us. We were family. That's what family does, right? Was he kidding?

'please'

'no rae. U did this 2 urself.'

What? He's blaming me? He doesn't even know the story!

"Rae, come on. It's not funny. Open the door."

I had everything on the bed, the suitcases, the stuff from my bathroom, my journals, and my purse. I was all ready to go. I just had to get out.

"You know I have a key, right? If I have to go get it, you will be in deep trouble."

I was silent, staring at the door that the sound was coming through. Was she talking to me? The one she called her 'Little Angel'?

'alex plz! I need u!'

'grow the fuck up and open the goddamn door' he replied.

I sighed heavily.

"Rae? Last chance."

"I'm coming," I said exasperatedly.

When I yanked the door open, I saw not only Tanya standing there, but Alex, too. He'd been texting me from the other side of the door.

"Why is this such a big deal?" Alex asked. "Why won't you just eat? Goddamn it, Rae-"

"Alex, language…" Tanya interrupted, but he acted as if he hadn't heard her.

"You're pretty, okay? Is that what you want to hear?"

I shook my head, biting my lip. "Please just go away," I whispered, and my stomach felt like it was shaking inside of me.

They just stared at me.

"Maybe I should talk to you alone," Tanya said, and I shook my head, a gesture that maybe I should have thought twice about. Because it set off the hunger pains, and I got dizzier than I'd ever been before.

In the middle of the room, in the midst of an argument with my cousin and my aunt, my mind shut down along with my body, and I collapsed.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up in a room that was not mine. Where was I? The last thing I remembered was fighting. I'd locked a door… what had I done?

And then I remembered the slow-motion of Aunt Tanya's face morphing from polite frustration to shock as my knees gave out and I lay curled on the carpet.

Alex hadn't even moved; he just walked away.

The boys had come over that morning before the start of the last week of school, right after I'd collapsed. Alex hadn't wanted anything to do with me, so he'd left Tanya to deal with me.

When Jack had asked where Alex's mom was, he'd answered, "With my cousin."

"And where's that?" Jack asked.

"Probably on the phone with 911," Alex said casually.

Rian stood up.

"What?" Zack asked. "What happened?"

Alex had shrugged, biting into an apple, letting a few drops of the juice overflow his lips.

"She passed out."

Rian looked at him for a few seconds before softly saying, "That could be serious."

Alex nodded and simply said, "I know."

Zack, Rian, and Jack had gone upstairs to try to help, but the only one that could really do anything was Zack, who gingerly lifted me up and carried me into Tanya's room, laying me across her bed and pulling a blanket over me.

When I woke, he was the second thing I saw, the first being the light that was thrown across the ceiling.

"Hey," he said softly.

I turned over on my side so I could see him better. Gorgeous Zack and his beautiful body…

"Hi," I whispered. I didn't know how my body was going to react to the passing out, so I started out slow.

"I heard what happened," he said.

"And what's that?" I asked nervously.

"You passed out cause you didn't eat."

I nodded, relieved. I thought he meant that Tanya had told them everything. Apparently, my eating disorder was out, so that didn't matter. "Oh."

"Why didn't you eat?" he asked. "It's called being hungry."

So maybe my eating disorder wasn't out. He didn't know.

I shrugged.

"Cause I heard there was more to it."

I raised my eyebrows, but then got dizzy and dropped them, squeezing my eyes shut.

"You okay?" Zack asked urgently.

"Yeah," I managed to say, "Fine."

He was silent for a minute, watching me intently. When nothing else seemed to happen, he relaxed a little. "So… I hear it has a name."

_She_, I added in my head. '_She' has a name._

I glanced at the clock – 12:48. "Shouldn't you be in class?" I asked, trying to distract him.

"Senior lunch," he explained, but I could tell that he was lying.

"Right," I muttered, and he heard me just as I'd intended.

"Okay. Yeah. I skipped school," he admitted sheepishly.

"Don't you have finals?" I asked, starting to panic. It wasn't worth it for anyone to miss anything for me, especially something that was as big of a deal as a final.

"Easy, Rae," he said, pushing me gently back down into the pillows. "Finals don't start till tomorrow. We have study hall all day today. It's a dead day." He left his hand touching my skin, just moved it over to my hairline to smooth my hair down a few times. I let my eyes fall shut.

"I missed you," I said softly as he continued to stroke my hair. I was trying to breathe evenly, but it was hard, especially now that I was concentrating on it. I shivered, not because of Zack's hand, but because I was actually cold. Freezing, really.

When I said this, I opened my eyes and he came around to the other side of the bed to lay down next to me, his strong arms encircling me. It was a bit much for this early on, but he was so beautiful – and warm – that I was perfectly okay with it.

I nestled deeper into his chest, and he tightened his arms around me. He played with the ends of my hair for a moment before saying, "Anorexia."

I shut my eyes tightly, my insides cringing at the mention of Ana's name. That cursed word shouldn't have fallen so easily from Zack's lips. I had to deal with it all the time, and I could barely even say it.

He was staring down at me, so I felt inclined to say something. I sighed, trying to think of something that wouldn't sound bitchy, combative, or stupid. Finally, I went with, "Yeah."

"You are?" he asked.

I nodded.

"I thought they were making it up," he said, almost to himself. Then he looked back down at me. "I thought it was a lie. That I'd come up here and you'd tell me that it was a joke."

"You think this is funny?" I said angrily, pulling back.

"Damn, Rae. No. It's not funny at all. You can die from this, you know."

"That's nice," I replied.

"You're not kidding," he said.

"No. I'm not. It's sick that I did this in the first place, and it's sicker now that I can't stop. Do you get it, Zack? I _can't. Stop_."

This was by far the longest conversation I'd ever had with anyone about my anorexia, and it was making me really uncomfortable.

"You can't make me," I finished.

When I took a breath and read the look in his eyes, I was surprised. He looked…embarrassed. And he was the one that instigated this whole discussion. Mr. Tough-Guy had a nervous side?

Wow.

"I'm going to sleep," I said, turning to face away from him. He got the hint and got up, letting go of me, our temporary… I-don't-even-know-what over.

It hurt me that I'd already turned away someone that cared, but that was what I did. I wanted to be loved, but as soon as it happened, I didn't want it anymore.

They were all too busy trying to fix me to figure out what it was that I really wanted.


	6. Chapter 6

The next time I woke, Jack was sitting next to the bed, a giant bowl of jelly beans in his hand. I sat up tiredly and rubbed my eyes.

"Hey," he smiled, shoving another handful of jelly beans into his mouth.

"What are you doing?" I asked tiredly, staring down into the bowl of rainbow candy, the sugary smell making my stomach growl audibly.

Jack held out the bowl and I shook my head. I swung my feet over the side of the bed and Jack put his bowl down and stood up.

"Careful," he said. "Are you sure you wanna-"

I nodded lightly so I wouldn't set off the dizziness again and slid my feet to the ground. Jack had a hand out to help just in case. I must have looked pretty damn awful if even Jack was that concerned. When I put the weight on my feet and stood up, I was immediately covered with the black cloud that lived in the back of my mind.

"Whoa, whoa," Jack said gently as I fell into him. He was anchored to the ground so neither of us went anywhere, but my head was hot and the rest of me was cold. I shut my eyes and moaned slightly. He got me back onto the bed and I curled up on my side and tried to get the nausea to go away. He was sitting behind me on the edge of the bed, his hand on my back.

"Hey," he said softly. "You okay?"

I didn't answer him.

"Rae," he sighed.

Over the course of five minutes, I let my breathing fall even as if I'd fallen asleep, and when he thought I was, he moved closer and wrapped his arms around me and leaned over me to rest his head in the crook of my neck. "Why, baby?" he whispered. "Why are you doing this? You're so beautiful… why can't you see that?"

A moment later, a drop of water fell onto my collarbone, and I realized with a pang of guilt that he was crying. I'd made him cry.

I sighed quietly as if I was asleep and let myself relax into the bed as well as into him. He rubbed my shoulder and I couldn't help but think about Zack and his openness to do something even more than what Jack was doing. I liked that, but I liked that Jack could figure out that I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me.

He was silent for the whole rest of the time he held me, and I waited as long as I possibly could and then moved slightly and groaned to myself, which was when he let go of me. I then opened my eyes and pretended to wake up. I sat up again and stretched.

"Sorry," I said. "How long was I out?"

"Not long at all," he said, acting as if nothing had happened. He was a good actor, I'll give him that.

I nodded, my stomach growling.

He raised his eyebrows at me, and I quickly looked away.

"What do you want?" he asked. "Everybody's downstairs; we can do whatever you want."

"Nothing," I said.

"Okay, let me rephrase that. What do you _need_?"

"Water," I said.

He shook his head. "That's a start, I guess… how many calories are in a bottle of water?" he honestly didn't know? That's, like, the first thing people know how to measure calories in; there aren't any.

"A lot," I lied, and he nodded.

He left, and I stared out the open windows onto the street. What was I going to do? This wasn't as bad as rehab would be, but it was getting ridiculous. Who forces a girl to eat?

And Alex was in the doorway suddenly, making me jump.

"Hey," he said, coming over to sit at the foot of the bed.

I tried to smile.

He laughed.

Then I did smile. I hadn't heard him laugh for a few days, and it was like all the color had been sucked out of the world.

"So… how you feeling?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Fine."

He tilted his head and raised one eyebrow. Then he shifted, kicking off his shoes so he could sit with his legs crossed on the blankets. That was his 'talk to me' position.

"Okay," I sighed. "Not fine."

"Go on," he prompted.

"I just… I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. And I keep thinking about… never mind."

"What?" he asked.

"Stuff."

"Stuff," he repeated, using the tone that meant I was supposed to explain myself, but I couldn't tell him about my parents or anything that had happened. "You're thinking up a lie," he said. And he was right; I was.

"How did you know?"

"You were trying too hard."

"What?"

"You were really concentrating. You can't lie to me, remember? I always know anyway; it's not even worth it."

I sighed. "How about we talk about it later?" I asked.

"When else is it gonna be just you and me?"

"When I get Zack to kick everybody out."

Alex chuckled. "He really likes you."

"I know. I kind of figured."

"Yeah. He's not really the subtle type."

"Yeah…"

"But what were you gonna say, Rae? Just tell me and we don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to."

"I was thinking about home," I said.

"What about it?"

"You said we didn't have to talk about it anymore!"

"Aw, Rae, come on! Don't do this to me! I wanna know."

"You're just a sucker for gossip, Alex. I'm not telling you anything."

"I'll get it out of you. Just you wait."

We were quiet for a minute, me because I knew he would get it out eventually, and him because he was waiting for me to crack. Then something else occurred to me; Jack wasn't back yet.

"Where's Jack?" I asked. "He was supposed to bring me water."

"Probably flirting with my mom," he said. "When I find out that they're having sex, I'm going to fucking kill both of them."

"You really think they're having sex?" I asked, shocked.

"I sure damn hope not," he said, giving me a wink.

And in that instant, I knew the discussion was over.

Allowing me to change the subject was Alex's way of telling me that everything would be okay.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day, I'd been able to get out of bed by myself, so I got Zack to carry me downstairs. I was tired of looking at the same walls over and over again. And, as much as I hated to say it, I needed to bleed.

I'd snuck into my room when everyone else was asleep and grabbed my razor and my switchblade. I'd gone into the bathroom and cut for a while, enjoying the feeling of the cool metal against my skin.

The next morning, I told them I was getting in the shower, and I did, dragging the sharp edges against my fragile skin, marring it beyond repair. It felt so good that I let myself slide down to the ground, the cold tile against my back as I continued to let the blood out of my body in too many places to count. I let the water sting the cuts, let myself watch the blood swirl down the drain, close my eyes, and slip into a feverish unconsciousness.

When Tanya knocked on the door to ask if I was okay, I snapped back into reality and called that yes, I was fine, that I'd be out in a minute. A moment later I got up to turn off the water, then stepped out of the shower, wondering how on earth I was going to cover up what I did with the towel.

Maybe she wouldn't notice.

I did my best to wipe the blood off of my skin and then wrapped the towel tightly around me, proceeding to go out the door. I walked past Tanya, but she didn't say anything. She was watching me, but she didn't say anything, so I knew she hadn't seen what I'd done.

I laid down on the carpet in my room, not bothering to change out of the towel. I was too dizzy.

I had to fix this. It was stupid, living like this. Stupid, and impossible. Everywhere I turned, I was letting people down. But I had changed, and no one could find out. It would turn my entire world upside down. I couldn't allow that; everything would just be that much worse.

I didn't know how long I laid there for, because I was constantly drifting in and out of consciousness from all the blood I was losing. But the pain was good; I didn't mind it.

"Rae?" someone was calling. My mind didn't register it until the door opened. "Rae, where are you? Rae?" And as the person came into the room, I cracked my eyes open. It was Jack, standing frozen above me. He crouched down next to me, putting his hand on my shoulder. I blinked slowly as he murmured in horror, "What did you do?" and his hand began to shake.

"Alex!" he called. His voice sounded weird. It was a sound that I recognized but couldn't quite place. "Alex, get the hell in here!"

It was a moment before I realized he was openly crying.

"Jack, don't," I managed to whisper. "It's okay. I'm fine."

"Shh," he replied just as quietly, his hands trying to find a spot on me that wasn't covered in blood. "Shh…" And then again, he yelled, "Alex!"

Footsteps came quickly overhead and then down the stairs. Alex stopped in the doorway and then came over to where Jack was over me.

"Rae?" he asked tonelessly.

I tried to look at him, but my eyes were falling shut. "I'm sorry," I whispered, and his bottom lip trembled.

I shut my eyes quickly; Alex, strong, brave Alex, was crying. About me. This was a dream. It had to be. But it wasn't – the pain was too real, Jack's tears were too real. And Alex… that was most definitely real.

Alex said something to Jack, and then it was just me and Alex. "It's gonna be okay," he whispered brokenly. "Rae, it's gonna be okay, I swear. I love you, okay? You're gonna be okay. We're all gonna be okay."

And then the black wave took over again, pushing me under the surface, to a place where I couldn't get up.


	8. Chapter 8

My mind was awake, but my eyes weren't. I could hear bits of conversations, feel a warm hand on mine, until the blackness pulled me down again. It was three whole days before I really broke the surface.

I slowly blinked my eyes open, something I'd wanted to do for a few hours at that point. When I did, there were two quiet sighs of relief. I looked to my left and saw Alex and Jack, both of them looking at me, and I could practically feel the tension and anxiety leaving them.

I took a moment to look around before speaking. I was in a white room, the thing my brain named 'hospital'. I could remember that, but… why was I here?

"What… what happened?" I asked, my head spinning as I tried to remember.

"Nothing, Rae," Alex said. "You're fine."

I knew he wasn't being honest. "If I'm not allowed to lie to you, you're not allowed to lie to me," I said, trying to sound strong.

He smiled tightly, and it didn't really reach his eyes. "Rae. Trust me, okay? It's fine." Tears welled up in his eyes, and my stomach dropped.

"Alex, don't. Please don't…"

He nodded and got up, turning away from me to leave the room. I sadly watched him go; this was something I'd never seen before. Alex was never broken. He was the strong one, the one that always got back up and killed the opponent. And then he cleaned up the mess. This was not my cousin, this teenager who couldn't hold it together for me. This was someone else.

Something had changed.

Jack was moving closer, his hand reaching out to my forehead, and I realized that I recognized the feeling of those fingers; they were the ones that had held my hand all this time. His hair was sticking up at various odd angles, and he obviously hadn't slept in a really long time. I would have laughed, but the look in his eyes was just too sad to think of as funny.

I shut my eyes as his skin touched mine, feeling a strong comfort just by the contact of his hand. I relaxed into the bed and he sighed. "Rae," he murmured, letting his fingers run over my face, brush hair out of my eyes, slide down to rest on my cheek. And then he was collapsing gently onto my chest. I wrapped an arm around his shoulders as he lay there, rubbing his back and resting my forehead in his thick, dark hair.

His fingers laced into mine, and he stared for a moment at my hand, scarred, so much smaller than his, and he started to cry quietly, too.

Why all this crying? It can't be that bad.

"Yes, it is, Rae," he choked out, and I realized that I'd said the last part out loud.

"Why?" I asked, and he pulled up to look at me.

"Because. You're so sick, and you're hurting yourself, and… I just… I don't even know-"

"Shh," I whispered, pulling him closer so I could really bury my face in his hair. I hated the feeling of being so weak, but it was all I could do right then not to pass out.

I let him cry himself out, and when he quieted, I whispered, "Go to sleep, Jacky, okay?" using the old nickname.

I think he realized what I had said, because a small smile appeared on his face. "I love you," he said drunkenly before his eyes slowly shut and his breathing evened.

I froze.

'I _love_ you'?

That was why he'd been so nice to me all the time. That's why he'd cried. And… hell, I'd led him on. This was all my fault. It was the reason that he'd told me when he thought I was asleep that I was beautiful. Cause he did think I was beautiful, and he wanted me to know.

No. No one can love me right now. I won't allow it. Maybe he'd just said it. Maybe it was an old habit from talking to his mom or something, right?

I sighed. Who was I kidding? All the signs were there.

"Hey."

I looked up to the doorway where Zack had appeared.

"How long have you-"

"Since right after Alex left," he said quietly, as not to wake Jack. "I wanted to make sure he wasn't crying cause you were…" The word 'dead' was easily readable in his eyes.

"He's crying?" I asked. "He's really, actually crying?"

"Yeah. He cried all day when they took you in, but he'll deny it. You're breaking him, Rae. He loves you."

Again with this 'love' word.

"You look like you don't believe me," he said, interpreting my expression.

I just looked at him and shrugged a little bit, my fingers absently stroking Jack's hair.

He watched my hand for a moment and then said, "So… you guys are… _together_ then?" The word was hard for him to get out, and I could tell that I was killing him by not answering.

"No," I said, "we're not."

"Didn't he say…"

I nodded. "But I didn't know. I mean… does he?"

Zack nodded in reply.

"Dammit," I muttered.

"Why?" Zack asked, that signature smirk returning to his face.

I sighed. "Because. I just can't love anybody right now," I said quietly. "Not even me."

He looked curious at that comment. "Why?"

"Cause. Love is about giving part of you to another person, and I just can't do that right now. It's too…"

"Hard?"

"Dangerous."

"Dangerous," he repeated. Then he looked into my eyes with such force that I can't even describe it. "Rae," he said fiercely, "what the hell happened to you?"


	9. Chapter 9

I couldn't bring myself to answer him; it was too much. And, as much as I hated to say it, I think I was slowly falling for him. I mean, I'd always thought he was beautiful. He was so… well… untouchable. But now, especially after what Alex had said, I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could do something. Something to get us together. But that would have to wait, as I was still stuck in the goddamn hospital.

Once I'd confirmed that it wasn't a suicide attempt, the doctors and nurses had relaxed a bit, but not a lot. I obviously wanted pain, so it was clear that I wasn't really feeling.

That night, I woke up coughing and I couldn't stop. Alex was next to me looking scared and trying to soothe me, but he finally stopped because I couldn't even think. A moment later I stopped, and I was finally able to catch my breath.

"You okay?" Alex asked, reaching out to put his hand on my back. I just buried my face in my hands and tried to breathe evenly. He took his hand away, and that upset me.

"Alex, can you come here?" I whimpered, and he moved so he was sitting on the side of the bed.

He wrapped his arms around my pale body. "It's okay," he murmured in my ear. "S'okay."

I nodded, leaning my head onto his shoulder and exhaling deeply. My eyes fell shut.

A few minutes later, I heard footsteps in the room.

Daddy? No. No – he couldn't be here. And even if he was, there was always Alex. Alex could protect me. But wait – Alex didn't even know.

And then I was slipping under. I knew what was happening to me, and I knew I was just seconds away from losing myself. I couldn't.

Stop.

Rae, stop.

Don't think about it. This is only going to hurt more. Don't. Please, Rae, please don't do this.

But I soon found myself saying out loud, "No, Daddy. Don't. Please don't touch me."

"Rae?" somebody asked, but my mind changed the voice to my father's. I recoiled into Alex, but I immediately forgot that it was Alex. Instead, he became the pillows in my room. This was my past. The reason I couldn't eat, the reason I was so self hating, harming, and the cause of every problem I had. My mom was part of it, sure, but this was the real reason.

The reason that changed my life.


	10. Chapter 10

"Shh, Rae… It's just me."

"Not tonight," I argued feebly. I knew I was talking out loud in reality, but I was too lost in my delusion to really care. This had never happened before, and I was scared. As scared as I had been on all those dark nights in my room, all the nights when I'd been in so much pain for the pleasure of someone else.

The nights when my dad had come in my room after he'd made sure my mom had passed out somewhere (she was into hard drugs and an alcoholic – she was a physical and emotional abuser, too, and I carried both types of bruises) and came to get me.

"Shh," he said again, but I kept arguing.

"No, Daddy," I begged. "Not tonight. Please."

"Jasmine Rachel," he said sternly, pretending for a moment not to be a monster; for once, he was acting like a father. But I was in trouble, not him.

I gave in, knowing that if I didn't, he'd only make sure to hurt me even more if I kept the fighting going.

And then I was submerged in the memory – no, this was even stronger; I was actually reliving the nights of him with me in the darkness. I could feel the pain, the fear, like it was really happening. And to me, it really was.

I let him climb into bed with me, touch me in ways that I knew he didn't even touch my mom. Ways that could make a moan escape my mouth, as much as I hated what he was doing. I just couldn't fight my body when it disconnected like that; it was too strong, and it wanted this too badly.

But at the moment, I was crying, begging, "No, don't do this, please," but he continued as if he couldn't even hear me.

"Stop, Daddy, stop it. Daddy, you're hurting me!"

But he pressed on, ignoring everything that came out of my mouth unless it made him happy.

And suddenly, there was something freezing in my hands. The fear was still violent inside, but the hallucination was losing its strength.

"Focus on the cold, Rae," someone was saying gently. "Good girl, sweetie… good."

The last thing I saw before I surfaced back into reality was the greedy look in my father's eyes, felt the last of the fear and nausea and pain vanish, and then my dad was gone.

I blinked my eyes open, and Zack was there, bending down to get to eyelevel with me, looking into my eyes. He smiled when I looked at him, a small, kind smile. "Okay?" he asked. He was so quiet that I wouldn't have heard him unless I'd seen his lips move.

I looked at him and tried to nod, but as I glanced down at his hands removing the ice from mine, my eyes filled with hot tears. Seconds later, my entire body was trembling, hard. Zack reached out for me, and I collapsed onto his chest. His strong arms wound around my frail form and held me tightly, tighter than I'd ever been held in my life.

I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until I had no tears left, and all I could do was keep crying without the tears. I cried for my mom, and I cried for my dad, and what I'd done to the band and my whole family. I cried about my problems with food and I cried because I could never stop cutting myself. I cried for Daniel and Alex and Tanya, and I cried for Rian and for Jack and I cried for accidentally making Zack fall in love with me even though I couldn't handle it.

Finally, though, I pulled myself together enough to breathe normally. His hands were running all over me, my hair, my arms, my back, trying to soothe me. I looked at him and my hand closed around one of his, pulling it down to my lap. With my other hand, I reached around the back of his neck and slowly pulled his face down to mine.

We stared at each other for five whole seconds before he tilted his head to the left and slowly put his lips to mine.

It was gentle, but I could feel all of our unspoken feelings, all the secrets I'd kept, all the times he'd stayed strong for me, the times both of us had pretended that everything was okay, spilling out in the form of this kiss.

This beautiful, beautiful kiss.


	11. Chapter 11

We pulled apart and I shut my eyes, looking down.

"Wow," Zack breathed.

"I'm sorry," I muttered.

"No," he said strongly, and I looked up. His voice calmed when he knew he had my attention. "Don't be," he murmured, his fingers stroking my cheek. "I'm not." And that perfect grin was suddenly splayed across his face, and I couldn't help but crack a small smile.

I leaned up to press my mouth up to his one more time before pulling away entirely and sitting back on the bed where I was supposed to be. My legs were stretched out in front of me and I stared at my skin, covered in scars and dry blood.

"No, Zack," I murmured. "This is why I'm sorry."

He smiled weakly. "Well in that case, I'm sorry, too."

I heard a throat being cleared at the front of the room, and I looked up to see Rian leaning on the doorframe. My face must've lit up, because both boys laughed. Zack got up so Rian could take his place. Once Zack was gone, Rian planted a quick kiss on the top of my head and sat down in the chair by the bed.

I smelled… sugar?

"You have food," I stated.

His eyes widened in surprise. "Oh my _God_, Rae. What, are you an animal now or something?"

"No," I sighed. "Just anorexic," I murmured to myself.

"I know," he said. I'd only said it cause I'd thought he wouldn't be able to hear me. "I was the one that figured you out."

I looked at him. "Really?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

He nodded. "So I made sure they're feeding you all the time."

"But… I just woke up," I said, slightly confused. I hadn't even had the chance to eat. But then I realized that he was hiding something.

He pulled a chocolate chip cookie out of his pocket, and something strange happened. Or didn't happen, I guess I should say. My stomach didn't growl. I wasn't begging myself for food. Nothing was happening. It smelled delicious, sure, but my stomach wasn't practically clawing its way out of me to get to it.

Rian motioned to an IV in the back of my hand; I figured that the dripping liquid in the cord must've been equal to food.

And then, with a pang of sadness, I realized that I wasn't starving. I wasn't even hungry. And then, with another pang, this time of even greater sadness, I realized that I liked it. My eyes were brimming with tears as I looked from the cookie to Rian.

"You okay?" he asked. Then he looked at me closely. "You know, that crazy-eyes look you always had is gone," he mused. I didn't have time to say anything before he said, "Rae, we're not doing this because we hate you or we want you to be upset."

And then he handed me a picture. It was horrifying; there was a skinny little girl wrapped loosely in a towel, her entire body, the towel, and the bright white carpet soaked with crimson blood. A few articles of clothing lay strewn around her on the floor, and someone was kneeling next to her, tears on their cheeks.

I recognized the person next to the girl as Alex. So who was…

I looked up at Rian, who was looking down at the picture, no expression on his face. I let a tear fall as he met my eyes and said, "We love you, sweetie. That's why we're putting you through this; we love you. We want you to be happy. And looking at this doesn't make anybody happy, okay? Not even you. Rae, this is what we see when we look at you. We just want the girl from last summer back. That was the Rae we all loved. The Rae that Zack and Jack fell in love with, the Rae Alex grew up. The Rae that could give me a good time, even when I was upset. We want her back. And we know she's still in there," he said, tapping my chest.

And in that moment, I vowed to give a part of myself up. The part I loved most, the part I loathed most. The thing that had made me… well… me.

I looked Rian in the eyes and said, "I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get better."

He smiled and leaned up to kiss my forehead and brush some of my hair off my face. "I'm proud of you, sweetie. Let's start with this," he said, handing me the cookie.

I stared at it; this was going to be harder than I thought. And then I realized, I just watched Alex eat eight of these the other day, and he hadn't gained a pound.

I broke the cookie in half and took a bite. It was delicious. Immediately, I had the urge to shove the whole thing in my mouth, but I thought that would probably freak Rian out, and I didn't need that. Then I wanted to eat it slowly, but I decided that would be a bad idea, too, since I'd get caught up in calorie-counting and stop eating it entirely.

"Distract me?" I asked Rian, and he nodded, happily launching into a synopsis of Kara's twentieth birthday party, complete with who won the drinking games, who had sex, and who had the worst hangover the next day.

Soon enough, the whole cookie was gone. And you know what? I felt fine.

"Thank you," I said when I was done.

"Yeah," a voice echoed from the doorway. "Thank you, Rian." Happy tears and proud tears washed down Alex's face. He walked over and pulled me into a tight hug. I breathed in the familiar cologne and let myself relax into his body.

When he pulled away, he said, "I'm holding you to that, you know."

I looked at him, confused.

"You said you were gonna get better," he explained. "I'm holding you to that."

I nodded. "I think – actually I know – I'm gonna need your help."

He smiled. "We're all here for you."

"I know… thank you," I said, looking from him to Rian.

"Hon, you're welcome," Rian smiled. And I must've looked tired, because he added, "Now go to sleep before you pass out on us, okay?"

I nodded, settling back into the bed. Zack came back in, and Alex and Rian got up, both of them lifting a hand in a wave and then disappearing.

"You're gonna be okay," Zack said proudly, placing one of his big hands over mine.

I let him come closer and move his hand to my hairline, stroking my hair as his lips landed gently on my forehead.

I was starting to close my eyes when I heard a small noise from the doorway. I glanced over and saw Jack, tears shining in his eyes. When our gazes met, he quickly turned around, walking briskly away.

I wanted to call after him, but Zack's lips were at the base of my neck, melting me, removing all thoughts from my head, and I let him take me away, away from the hospital, away from hurting Jack, and away from my whole life, down deep into happy dreams where no one could hurt me.

THE END


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